How To Translate When Your Child Says "I QUIT"
Breaking up is hard to do.
It’s even harder when you feel like you have no control over the situation because your child appears to have fallen out of love with the activity that you just spent hundreds of dollars signing them up for.
It’s especially discouraging when you read studies that say that the average person’s attention span is now shorter than a goldfish’s 7 seconds.
But here’s something you might not know. Kids today, members of the “Igeneration”, seem to be saying, “I quit”- a lot.
They have been complaining, “I don’t want to go.” “It’s not fun.” “I don’t like my coach/teacher.” “I’m not good at it.” “You can’t make me!” While my expertise lies in the realm of teaching music, my husband and I own a music and dance school in Los Angeles and I’ve taught for over 25 years, I can tell you that whether it’s sports, music, karate, swimming or any other activity for which you pay your hard earned cash, all parents are hearing the same thing. It’s how they react that makes the difference.
So what are they really saying when they say, “I quit”? How can we stop pulling out our hair, resisting the urge to argue about it AGAIN, and stop beating ourselves up for choosing yet another activity that Johnny and Sophie want to quit? At this point you might be feeling the urge to quit too. Let’s find a gentler way to have this conversation.
I quit. Translation: I need extra support to understand why I’m doing this. Are they feeling the pressure of perfection? Are they feeling like they’re not achieving high enough or learning fast enough? Most of the time, this isn’t about being a child prodigy, being the basketball star or playing the perfect sonata. It’s about gaining just enough mastery over the process to be able to let go and have fun with it.
I quit. Translation: I need you to help me make a plan. My 4 year old, twin boys are all about the plan. “Mommy, what is the plan today?” Our lives get so much more complicated as our kids get older. Making a plan and sticking to it is not easy. We all need help! I remember going into a music lesson unprepared one day. My teacher pulled out a piece of paper and took a big portion of my lesson time to figure out the best most consistent time for me to practice every day- I was in college. No one had ever done that for me.
I quit. Translation: I don’t understand what it is I’m doing. Communication between parent and activity coach or teacher can be challenging. We developed a web app, www.LessonMate.org to help with music lessons giving teachers incredible tools for lessons. Parents can log in anytime to see and help translate what the objectives are for the week. Getting everyone on the same page is essential.
So here’s what you’re really driving them to when you take them to music lessons or practice:
You’re driving them to be a better version of themselves.
To not see themselves as quitters.
To not give up when things (temporarily) get hard.
To develop a clearer, stronger sense of their own abilities which is going to help them combat peer pressure and bullying.
To learn how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable
To discover how good it feels when they overcome and push through resistance.
Because they will know that they are capable of anything that they’re willing to try. Because they don’t quit.